All words that a 19 year old should never have to imagine when it comes to their mom.
Today would have been my mom's 50th birthday. Just thinking about it brings buring tears to my eyes. I sit here and imagine planning her surprise birthday party. The cake. The balloons. The over the hill signs. The not calling her old ever or else she would give me the "look". Man it kills me. And I know a lot of what I am feeling this morning is from the insane hormone changes I am going thru but ouch, it hurts. Everyone says I look like my mom. A spitting image. That Kynslie looks like my mom when she was little. I'm sure it is meant as a compliment, I mean my mom was stunninglybeautifyl, but it doesn't feel like a compliment anymore.
Since I have started my plexus journey, I have learned a lot about why cancer attacks. Gut health and not enough oxygenation in the blood. Cancer can not survive in an alkaline state. I always thought my mom was fairly healthy. I mean, why on earth would a deadly disease attack a "healthy, good hearted, nice person"? Why is what I will never understand. I mean she was only 45 when she died. She had so many things to live for! 5 grandchildren at that time and a great niece that she loved with all of her heart. But now, knowing why cancer attacks and what type of environment it can and can not live in inspires me to try to fight it before it tries to eventually attack and kill me. The type of cancer my mom had has a high mortality rate, not many people beat it. It's too strong and moves too fast. Mom's tumor went from 3cm to the size of a grapefruit in the 4-6 weeks it took for them to operate on her.
So now I am sitting here thinking about how much fun we would have had at my moms party. Laughing until we cry. Smiling until it hurts. Eating cake because well that's apparently what you're supposed to do at these parties, who knew right? Joking about her needing a cane, and then beating dad with it. Smiling at her playing with now all 6 of her grand babies. Those thoughts hurt. My dad decided that tonight we will let go of some balloons. Knowing him there will be fireworks too. I never once knew how much my dad loved my mom until she was gone. I think I did deep down actually... I can't remember. I hate seeing my dad sad. He's 6ft 6inches. Looks like the undertaker, from wrestling. Watching him fight off the pain of loosing his wife on a daily basis... There are no words. To say we miss her is an understatement. It's not fair but I'm learning life isn't fair.
My mom losing her 15 month battle with this demon call adenocarcinoma of the Duodenum is not a memory I want to live with. It is not something I would ever want my kids to watch me fight off. It's not what I ever want for anyone, not even my worst enemy. I've taken control of my health partially for this reason. Yes, I know even the healthiest of people still can get sick with cancer. Even the nice people. People who are doing God's work. People who don't deserve it. I know that, I'm not stupid. But I plan on doing everything preventative that I can do to make sure my kids never once have to see me in that state. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to anyone.
So now I am 23, with 2 beautiful little girls. One 6, the other almost 2 weeks old. I am a proud mommy. Beyond proud, I mean I am probably the luckiest mommy ever. (Yes I know every single mother on earth says that so hush) my mom was here for almost 2 years of Kynslie's life. She helped me raise Kynslie to be the most amazing little girl. Kynslie asks and talks about my mom often which makes my heart happy! My mom left such a big impression on her that her 21 month old mind can remember it. That amazes me. Everyone says kids don't remember their toddler years but she does. That was her Mimi! So now we get to teach Lily all about her Mimi.
I plan on being healthy for my girls. Eating right and exercise, and at 30 I will start my colonoscopies. Fun right?! Anything to live even a day longer for my girls and my family. I know my mom's oncologist will be happy to take my case if it ever comes to that, but I never want to see that man ever again. He did what he could to save mom, and I am thankful, but if I am healthy there will be no need for me to be a patient of his.
So for now this is where my health journey is taking me. Living healthy so I can live longer. My family, the girls and Johnnie, deserve a healthy me. Oh, thanks Lily for letting me use your burp rag to wipe my tears off while I fed you writing this! And yes I know this is supposed to be my blog about my plexus journey, and this is a sad blog post, but in general it is still about plexus. We have a product that helps oxygenate the blood and another product that helps with gut health. 2 products i will never be with out. Not if it could mean saving my life one day. I plan on living until I'm 102, even though I am sure God has another plan.
So I am sorry for a long super emotional roller coaster of a post that is pretty much my 3 am ramblings of ridiculiousness. Yeah... Sorry... Blog posting shouldn't be allowed at 3am.... Ever.
Until next time...
Keep following me as I find my footing in life....
No comments:
Post a Comment